Recently I've been worrying. Too much. Final exams, university applications and my ridiculously high expectations of myself.
I've been worrying in a way that makes my wrists ache with a rushing pulse, that makes me grind my teeth together and bite my nails, clench my fingers into fists to keep them from shaking, and grate my teeth against my lower lip until I shed blood. There have been days when I've arrived home from school and broken down completely. Scattered my tears and my need of sleep onto the floor and almost given up.
But in the midst of all this fear and doubt and stress, there have been better things. Poetry. Bouts of rain and the most beautiful slices of sunshine. Arms to fold myself into. Little pockets of calm to hold on to.
And goddammit, if I will not survive this. I am not giving up. I may be twisting myself into Gordian knots over every little thing right now, I might be too irascible for my own good, but bear with me, okay? After Friday (and the last of my exams this autumn) I hope to be calmer, I hope to be able to exhale and unclench my fists and go, Okay. I've done my best.
(I had to break my blogging hiatus for this. To salvage what is left of my mental health. Things might quieten down for a while again, but I'll see you on the flip side. After my exams, that is.)