This might be my absolute favourite time of the year. Really the Americans are delusional (with all due respect) in calling this "fall" when it's so clearly an ascension. A climb into one's own skin, into layers of clothing, into routine and those sparkling mornings.
Finally it's cold enough to sink into jumpers and scarves and fingerless gloves. There's a quiet glory to these high winds and sharp sunrises and cold damp noses that can be pressed against pale pink cheeks.
I knit and brew endless cups of tea and consume volumes of poetry, because how else should one while away the cooling days of late September?
Recently I've been worrying. Too much. Final exams, university applications and my ridiculously high expectations of myself.
I've been worrying in a way that makes my wrists ache with a rushing pulse, that makes me grind my teeth together and bite my nails, clench my fingers into fists to keep them from shaking, and grate my teeth against my lower lip until I shed blood. There have been days when I've arrived home from school and broken down completely. Scattered my tears and my need of sleep onto the floor and almost given up.
But in the midst of all this fear and doubt and stress, there have been better things. Poetry. Bouts of rain and the most beautiful slices of sunshine. Arms to fold myself into. Little pockets of calm to hold on to.
And goddammit, if I will not survive this. I am not giving up. I may be twisting myself into Gordian knots over every little thing right now, I might be too irascible for my own good, but bear with me, okay? After Friday (and the last of my exams this autumn) I hope to be calmer, I hope to be able to exhale and unclench my fists and go, Okay. I've done my best.
(I had to break my blogging hiatus for this. To salvage what is left of my mental health. Things might quieten down for a while again, but I'll see you on the flip side. After my exams, that is.)
I hereby instate a blogging hiatus. All because of these infernal autumn exams that are approaching with unnerving speed. (I intend to build myself a nest out of my schoolbooks and only poke my nose out when I get hungry. Understandably, my nest lacks internet access.)
Look for me in two weeks' time.
(And wish me luck, please? These are the first of my final exams and I am petrified by the prospect.)
"Learn to value yourself, which means: fight for your happiness."
(And oh, am I fighting.
Because things are quite difficult right now. Too much to be done, never enough hours in a day. Difficulties sleeping and too much anxiety.
But there are good things too. This early-autumn sharpness in the air, the underwater sunlight after a downpour, the clatter of trams over cobblestones and skipping down the steps of the library after a good cram session. Good little things, waiting to be noticed.)