Monday, 20 February 2012

3 a.m.

Last night I couldn't sleep. All around me my friends had closed their eyes and evened out their breathings and there I was, eyes wide open in the pitch black.

And despite knowing I could reach out a finger and poke them into the staying awake with me, despite knowing they would gladly talk and listen, I just crept outside to look at the stars.

And it was so quiet I thought for a moment that I had gone deaf.

I don't think I have ever felt as lonely in my life. Not in the summer weeks spent alone in a house too big for me. Not on the deck of a ship in the middle of a sea at four in the morning. Not ever.

But there are the things so much bigger than three-in-the-morning loneliness.

There is winter sunshine and there are nights in bars and in the almost-countryside. There are upcoming birthdays and early mornings and caf├ęs and midnight confessions.

There is this gruelling, grinding, endless uphill battle of trusting. It might be the most difficult thing I have ever done but I refuse to stop trying.

I will forgive myself these insomniatic weaknesses. I will forgive myself, and others, and I will go on. And the next time I'm awake at 3 a.m. and I feel my ribs closing in on my lungs, I will wake someone up so I don't have to look at the stars alone.


  1. this really touched me today. the enormity of loneliness, underneath the enormity of the sky.

  2. Oh stop it, you. Heh.

    Huaaa blogi!

  3. huaaaa indeed :D the things non-studying time do to me!