I feel like I'm writing about the same things over and over again. Which is why I haven't posted much lately. But there are heavy thoughts I need to kick around a bit. So bear with me.
This spring I failed to get into university.
Right. I said it.
Obviously I don't know what you think now, but I doubt it's Oh my goodness what a pathetic little girl, probably the most witless of all the witless, why am I even reading this idiot blog, if I saw her I'd point and laugh. (If this is what you're thinking, please do not consider it necessary to inform me.)
But this is very much what I think.
I am bad at failing. For the past month or so I've been holding my breath. Waiting to wake up.
So far I haven't.
I haven't talked about not getting into uni with anyone at all. I didn't want to. Still don't. I just went out and bought the books I need to study for the entry exams of the University of Helsinki. And remade my plans. I've done the mature thing and still I feel more like a child than in ages.
My worst fear all along has been the pity. The pity, the surprise. The disappointment. I have feared the reactions of my friends and family because, and I know exactly how irrational this is, I thought they would no longer love me if I failed. So I've kept it all to myself.
Can I be completely honest with you?
I'm really lost with my life right now.
And it's terrifying.
Also, it's good. In that annoying self-help kind of way, that disgustingly cheesy rebuild-your-life, have-a-gap-year, figure-out-who-you-are-and-what-you-want-to-do way.
I'm not going to lie, not anymore: it's a constant gruelling uphill battle with a voice in the back of my head calling me names. It is no fun.
But it is necessary. It is, on that self-help level, good.
I'm drawing up a map from scratch.
No, not from scratch. From everything I know about myself. I will find my way.
After all, what I needed to hear was that the people who love me still love me.
And guess what?
(Also, a friend of mine sent me this video, in which the brilliant
Hank Green answers questions about growing up and adulthood.
Someone asked, How do you get past your insecurities?
Hank's answer: If you fail, I will like you more.
Which was exactly what I needed to hear today. )