The longer I put it off, the more difficult it will be.
So here I am, after all this time. All these unfinished posts in my drafts.
First there was a laptop that stopped working. Then there was an old laptop, unearthed from some cupboard somewhere. It huffs and puffs and shuts down unexpectedly.
But then, these things wouldn't really have stopped me had I actually felt like writing.
I lost my calendar far too many weeks ago. I've lost track of time and of my plans, of birthdays and weekdays and dates and of my body.
I'll find it, I thought. As soon as I go out to buy a new calendar, I'll find my old one.
So I've struggled by, and suddenly it's May and I don't know how I've arrived here. I haven't kept a diary, I've lost my calendar, I feel like I've slipped out of time. I can't remember what happened when, I can't remember where I'm supposed to be and when and why.
I've met people and got a job for the summer, I've opened the season of nights in parks, I've read poems and novels and textbooks and it all spills out of my head if I don't write it down.
Enough now. Tomorrow, a new calendar, a new diary, some fresh pens. The familiar loops of my own handwriting. A homecoming.
I know many people keep calendars, but somehow I've just never been able to have one. I've tried, bought one and filled in some birthdays and homework for the first week, and then just forgotten about it. Calendars and timetables and setting up appointments for friends is an alien concept for me - if something needs to be done, I will remember if it's important. If I want to meet up with a friend, I'll ask them and if we set up a date, I'll remember it because that is important too. I've always had problems with set times for things, I've skipped loads of school and hobbies in the past just because you Had To Be There At A Specific Time. And that makes me anxious. Calendars feel like they trap and force me to do things even if I've written them down myself, even if it's my favourite thing in the world - if it has a time, as opposed to freedom to do it whenever, I suddenly don't want to. I don't know why, but it makes me feel a bit sad when people have to pencil friends into their calendars, when did life really become so busy for young people? Maybe it means we should slow down. But I do also understand the way a calendar can become a very personal thing, like a diary, filled with little notes and quotes and random tidbits from past days. Sometimes I've been jealous of people with beautiful calendars full of mundane memories. But right now I still couldn't keep one.
ReplyDeleteI know I'll have to have a calendar one day for work, at least. Sometimes I have to draw timetables for myself when I have too many photoshoots coming, for example, and there are times when I think a calendar might be useful. But not now. Personal diaries are different though, but I think my camera has been my diary for a long time now.
Anyway, hope you find some beautiful new things to record in! They'll become treasures too in the long run. And oh yeah, I saw you about a month ago at the Helsinki railway station. I was in Finland. Our paths didn't quite cross but I would have wanted to stop and say hello. Next time I will! And perhaps we will meet again in the nightless night in one park or another, 'tis the season after all. :)
I've had a calendar for years and my life just falls apart without one, mainly because I can't remember anything and I need a place where I can write down everything, from to-do lists to quotes to playlists and every appointment. I do get calendar-induced anxiety every now and then but trying to keep everything in my head without the help of a calendar is even worse. (Also, I tend to carry around a diary and a notebook for random stuff in addition to my calendar, because I am a bit of a writer-downer anyway.)
ReplyDeleteI think I understand your anxiety to do with scheduling everything, but for me not having a schedule is even worse. So it's a matter of choosing between two ills really. Also I like to fuel my Moleskin fetish and keep my calendar looking nice -- although now that I don't get to sit in class all day my new calendar is quite doodle-free.
You should've said hello! I'm sure we'll bump into each other in the months to come, I'd like to see you. :)