nights

Miles to go before I sleep, or so it feels. Six hours of daylight is all we get, so there's plenty of dark hours to be spent awake and alert. It's not natural and yet of course one should be used to it after fifteen years of living at these unnatural latitudes.



Today I read about writing gratitude lists. First thing in the morning, penning down five things to be grateful for. Of course it's just the kind of ridiculous self-help thing I'd normally despise but lately I've been brimming with hopelessness so maybe I should give it a whirl.



I've been foolishly reading my old diaries and blogs. It's upsetting to realise how happy and how wise I've been in the past and how little I've progressed in terms of happiness or wisdom. (Or maybe I'm just blue tonight and should crawl into bed and trust the tomorrow-me to be kinder.)

Which doesn't mean everything is hopeless. Almost two years ago I wrote I think I'm beginning to learn how to be happy in a way that's not self-destructive. And I'm pretty sure I've learnt at least a bit more.



Also I know this is a quote that makes the rounds regularly enough to ring empty, but it's been stuck in my head and I have to get it out: Time was passing like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be on. (Jonathan Safran Foer)